Grand Theft Auto: Misadventures
by Repressed Hero
Summary: Discontinued. Rehash-Gta:Sins of the Past
1. Episode 1

**Authors note: Before we begin I MUST mention the following. The following story you are about to read is set in the magical world of Grand Theft Auto were killing innocents, jacking cars, AND every other form of crime is ILLEGAL. Please do not attempt any of the actions you are about to read below. Also GTA is an extremely violent and offensive series so expect the same below.**

* * *

The Super 8 gas station was quiet, except for the 2 blonde mall bitches in the corner complaining about the 12 calories in the flavored bottled water. "Fucking bitches," the stereotypical looking Mexican cashier sighed, wishing that he would have stayed back in his home country.

"Jingle~Jingle"

A young man with an auburn Caesar style haircut and Aviators walked through the door.

"Ah good evening sir!," said the Mexican in a voice that, oddly, reminded the young man of Apu from The Simpsons, "Welcome to my store and let me know if you need anything,".

The auburn haired man walked up to the counter and pulled out a 9 milimeter combat pistol.

"Give me all the money, before I cap your fake baked ass!" he shouted.

The cashier cried out in terror as he looked at the end of the firearm. "No! Please here let me get that for you," he sputtered as his hands scrambled to get the money out of the register.

"Come on let's go! I've got a prostate exam! You know what that means?! I gotta get a finger shoved in my ass! Move it!" the shade wearing robber yelled. The cashier felt his hands move surprisingly faster at the man's off beat yelling.

Finally the cashier had emptied the register and threw the money filled bag at the robber, "Here that's all of it I swe,"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

The robber emptied 3 rounds into the cashier before running out the door towards a black Comet sports car, sliding across the hood, and jumping into the passenger seat.

"Punch it Ocelot!", he yelled at his co-conspiriter with swept blonde hair, as the other man stomped on the gas pedal. The duo sped off from the scene of the crime leaving the 2 mall bitches to gawk at the Mexican's corpse.

"Damn this traffic!" Ocelot yelled as he whipped the wheel quickly to the left turning on to the side walk hitting multiple pedestrians in the process.

"Next time I'm driving! You suck!" complained his red haired friend.

"Shut the hell up Wolf!" he yelled trying to concentrate on the road, "those goddamn tardmuffins shouldn't have been in the way!"

The cops were flying up behind them with their lights flashing and sirens blaring, "STOP YOUR VEHICLE NOW!"

"Ah shit! A bunch of pigs! Hey go the fuck back to Rusty Brown's Rings and get some doughnuts lardass!" Ocelot screamed out the window.

"I got this," said Wolf as he calmly reached down between his legs, under the seat, and pulled out a sticky bomb. Ocelot looked over somewhat bewildered, "Where the hell you get that?!" Wolf chuckled to himself "I never leave home without one remember?" Wolf broke the window with his elbow and threw the sticky bomb out the window.

Beep...BOOM!

The sticky bomb exploded along with the 3 cop cars behind them as Ocelot stared in the rearview mirror, now watching the flaming debris smolder. "And you were worried," bragged Wolf. Ocelot didn't answer him and just continued speeding to their destination at the beach.

They arrived at the beach a few minutes later, "Alright get ready to jump out," said Ocelot as he jumped out the door. "Hey you asshole!" Wolf yelled as he barely made it out of the car before it sank into the ocean.

"Ehahahah you moron," Ocelot laughed in hysteria. "Yeah, yeah real funny dillhole," Wolf mumbled as he flipped him the bird. "Here's you cut by the way...$500,"

Ocelot reached over for his money "$500 that's it? What a rip!" He pocketed the money as he and Wolf started walking along the boardwalk towards their cruddy apartment a few blocks away.

"Hey there boys! You look needy!" cried out a nerdy looking beach stall vendor. Ocelot and Wolf walked over to see what the nerdy looking virgin wanted. "Excellent, excellent, right?" he waved his hand at his merchandise. "Buy porn it won't judge!" the geek proclaimed as though he were protesting in front of the White House.

Wolf and Ocelot shot each other a hesitant glance, shrugging their shoulders. Wolf walked closer to the vender, and socked him upside his head, knocking the 30 year old, hentai watching virgin out. "Thanks," Wolf said as he grabbed a stack of nudies from the vendor."You want some?" Wolf asked Ocelot. "Ahh what the hell, why not?"

Ocelot walked over and grabbed a stack as well as the cash box under the table, before skimming through the stack of naughtiness.

"Women over 80 and shemales?! What kind of sick fuck is this guy?

Shatter!

Ocelot jerked his head in the direction of the sound. "Thank you beautiful!" yelled Wolf as he hot wired a Vapid Dominator. "Catch you back at the apartment Sugar tits!" He yelled as he flipped Ocelot off and peeled out onto the street. "Bastard..." Ocelot muttered as he shook his head and walked home.

/An Hour Later/

Ocelot slammed the door shut as he entered the shabby looking apartment. "Ahh home sweet, home!", he sighed as he threw the nudie mags on floor, and dove face first onto the moldy couch. The apartment was nice and silent without Wolf having his usual orgy in his room." Now I can finally get to hacking those files in peace,"

Ka-chick Slam!

Ocelot cringed at the door being opened and slammed shut. "Spoke to soon.." Ocelot mumbled as he turned to see how many women Wolf brought with him...

"Wait WHAT?! No women?" Ocelot examined Wolf as he entered the room further and noticed he had blood all over his clothes. "Uhhh..." was all Ocelot could think of. Wolf put on a scowl on, and sighed. "Some asshole shot the hooker i was banging in the head, and walked off. So, long story short, I got out of the car and ripped him in half like a phone book."

Ocelot tried desperately not to laugh at his misfortune. "I'll be in the shower. Have your ass ready to go in 5," called Wolf as he walked into the bathroom.

Ocelot shot him a weird look over his shoulder, "What for?"

Wolf threw his blood stained black hoodie at him "You're going to be in a race," he smiled as he forcefully closed the bathroom door.

"I'M WHAT?!"

/A Half Hour Later/

"Ok so tell me again why I agreed to do this?" Ocelot bitched sitting inside of an orange Bravado Buffalo.

"First because i said so," Wolf answered with a grin like a jackass as he leaned inside the driver side window, "second because I'm going to put ten grand on you to win, and third when you win we make double that!" Wolf said smacking him on the back.

"But we don't got that kinda money. What are we gonna do if I lose?" Ocelot belly ached.

"I dunno that's not my problem, it's yours. Whelp the race is about to start soooo good luck! Oh and fyi, these guys don't like to lose...soo yea pressures on." Wolf walked into the crowd casually.

"I'm gonna to die," Ocelot said with an exasperated sigh and sank into his chair as he watched Wolf walk over towards a woman.

"Hey Liz!" Wolf yelled at her as he approached.

"Hey Wolfie!", she said hugging him. "You're as pretty as ever., Wolf said admiring her tan skin and clean looking black hair. "Aww thanks. So what brings you here?" she said crossing her arms. "Oh you know my buddy wanted to show off for the girls. So he entered the race to impress them...damn virgin."

Liz punched him in the arm "Oh shut up! If i recall correctly a certain someone told me you lasted a whole 5 seconds, and cried the rest of the time."

Wolf grew quiet as that particularly bad memory came racing back, "So, uhh, yeah I guess the race is starting. Shall we go get a good view?" He asked as he extended his arm attempting to drive the thought from his mind. She grabbed ahold of his arm and led him to a good spot.

/A Few Moments Later/

"Oh god what in the bloody hell am i doing?" Ocelot worried as he watched the Flag Girl get into position. Ocelot took a deep breath and tried to focus. All eyes were on the Flag Girl...

"Now!"

All the engines roared as the cars began to take off.

Thunk!

The lead car swerved and hit the girl, "GTA MOTHA FUCKA! TEN POINTS BITCH!" the lead racer yelled as he flipped off his competition.

"Shit!" yelled Ocelot as he felt the flag girl hit the top of his car. Ocelot's car shook violently as another car attempted to ram him off the road. "OH COME ON!", he roared as he cut the wheel sharp, ramming the other competitor back, "You little shit! You wanna play that game try this!"

Screech!

Ocelot slammed on the break as the rammer attempted to slam into him again only this time, he wasn't there.

Clang!

The rammer's car slammed head on into a street light, ejecting him, and throwing him into a building. Ocelot let out a short laugh as he hit the gas, catching up to the other racers.

Swish!  
Swoosh!

Ocelot managed to pass another racer, and an oncoming car. "Whew that was close! Ah shit!"

Ding! Ding! Ding!

A train crossing bar went down in his path. "C'mon go go go!", Ocelot thought aloud as he barreled towards the tracks.

Crunch!  
Vwoosh!

Ocelot smashed through the wooden crossing bar as the train flew just inches behind his vehicle, "Woo! Fuck yeah! Holy shit that was fucking awesome!" he cheered as the adrenaline flushed over his body.

/Meanwhile/

"Your friend is a good driver, you know that?" Liz said looking over at Wolf, watching Ocelot move closer and closer to first. "I do now..." Wolf mumbled as he continued to watch.

"Hey you sexy beast!" yelled a familiar voice. Wolf turned to look at the calling voice. "Jesus Christ!", he yelled as he fell over backwards. It was a man wearing a banana hammock and a Sweet Tooth mask, armed with an AK-47. The masked man let out a laugh. "Shilo? The hell you doing here?", Wolf asked in bewilderment.

"Oh you know the usual... zombie hunting," he turned and fired on the crowd of people, "Damn things are everywhere this time of year!"

BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!

"The hell you doing dude?! There's no zombies here!" yelled Wolf as he looked at about thirty dead bodies.

Shilo let out another laugh and walked off. Wolf was rendered speechless. "Was that one of your friends?" Liz asked looking horrified."Uhh...Yes that was my Banana Hammock wearing friend,"

/Back on the Track/

The race was surprisingly easy and fun considering it went bad starting out, and the best part was Ocelot was in first about to cross the finish line! "Woo hoo!", he screamed but soon he noticed an all too familiar pattern of lights and sirens, "Ahh damn the cops!" Ocelot turned the wheel a hard right swerving to the finish line. "What the hell is going on there are cops everywhere!" Ocelot hollered as he crossed the finish line by power sliding.

Screech!

Ocelot ripped open his door, took cover behind his car, and pulled out his Micro SMG. He lifted his arm and sprayed at the nearest group of cops.

TA~TA~TA~TA~TA~TA~TA~TA!

Ocelot looked around for Wolf but couldn't see him without getting his head shot off. "Wolf! Where the fuck are you and how did this shitstorm start?!" he demanded.

BAM BAM BAM BAM!

Wolfs combat pistol roared as he emptied four rounds into 2 cops, "Well lets just say I got a friend who is slightly deranged and has an intense hate for zombies!" Wolf cried out from a few feet away. He and Liz had taken refuge behind a dumpster.

Blam! shk~shk Blam! shk~shk

Liz shot her pump action into a cop car hitting one and killing another. "If I don't get my money I'm gonna be pissed!" yelled Wolf over all the gunfire. "You're worried about money at a time like this? What are you 12?!" Liz scolded him. "Psh, no! I'm 4 get it right woman!" Wolf countered as he swapped out clips. "Let's worry about getting outta here alive first huh?" She yelled as she fired a few rounds at the hovering helicopter.

Ocelot saw a group of Ballas running away like pansies carrying the prize money briefcase. "Fuck you assholes!" he roared as his Mirco smg mowed them down, "That's my money! How dare you try to run off with my winnings!" Ocelot kicked at the lead Balla's dead corpse as he picked up his winnings. Ocelot did a quick count of the stack of 100's, "sixteen grand hell yea!" Ocelot beamed and fist pumped at his winnings.

BAM BAM BAM!

"Oh shit i forgot about Wolf!" Ocelot looked for a quick getaway vehicle... "There!" Ocelot ran up to the Coupe and literally ripped the door off its hinges. "Oops..." The Coupe made a wimpy start up sound as Ocelot hot wired it, "C'mon and start!".

Vroom

"Alright let's go!" Ocelot floored it towards Wolfs last known location.

/Moments Later/

"God this is endless!" complained Wolf as he emptied another clip. "What you got planned then genius?" Liz yelled, cause she was getting tired of his complaining.

Beep! Beep!

Liz, and Wolf shot a look at the alley behind them. "Ocelot!" yelled Wolf. "Get in!" Ocelot yelled back as the two ran up the Coupe and ripped open the doors. Ocelot sped off before they got a chance to shut the doors.

"WOO! Nice timing dude!" Wolf sighed. "Let's get outa here!" "Use the Subway tracks to lose them!" yelled Liz.

It was extremely dark in the subway tunnel but it had worked, and the cops eventually gave up there search. Once they were sure the cops were gone they left the subway tunnel, and dropped Liz of at her apartment and headed for home.

"So how much did you get?" Wolf asked as he lit up a Redwood cigarette. Ocelot had to stop and think for a second as he had forgotten from all the excitement. "Umm sixteen grand," he started. Wolf was shocked to hear he had made that much.

"Sooo... weres my cut?"

"Your cut?! I did all the work. You watched!"

"Not true i set this whole thing up!"

"OH! That sounds soooo hard."

And so they continued to argue like that the whole way home.

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**Episode 1 end**


	2. Episode 2

**Warning: In the world of Grand Theft Auto killing, stealing, and rude gestures are normal, were as in real life you might find your ass dead in a ditch if you perform these actions.**

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Wolf sorted through all the leather jackets at Sub Urban, before choosing the brown one with "Lone Wolf" on the back. "We'll what do you think?" asked Wolf as he turned his back to show Ocelot the design.

"Uhh cool...i guess," Ocelot said trailing off and not caring.

"Well fuck you too," Wolf countered flipping him off. "What do you think?" he asked the girl at the counter who was texting.

"Whoa...that's like retro, if you like that kinda thing," she mumbled before going back to her stupidity.

"Ahh see?" Wolf said pointing to her. "You find anything?"

"Mmm I think so," Ocelot answered as he pulled out a short sleeved white dress shirt and black tuxedo vest.

"Uhuh...spiffy." Wolf said not looking as he checked out.

"I fucked your mom by the way," Ocelot retorted.

"Yea those shoes definitely go with it."

Ocelot laughed at him, "Dumbass,"

Wolf stepped outside, and waited for Ocelot as he got checked out. "Fuck looks like it's gonna rain,"

Jingle~Jingle

Ocelot stepped out and handed Wolf $75, "Forgot your change. Ok, this way nothing to look at over here," Ocelot said trying to hurry Wolf up, "Looks like it's gonna fuckin rain so we better get movin,"

Wolf shot his head towards were the cashier was supposed to be standing as Ocelot now began acting impatient. "Hey did you-" he began till he noticed blood on his friends' hand.

"Shut up an keep moving!" Ocelot said pushing him from behind.

"Damn it Ocelot!"

/ Ten Minutes Later Back at the Apartment /

"Damn! That's good shit!" Ocelot coughed and huffed as he staggered over to the PS3 to join Wolf.

"Ready? Fight!", stated the game announcer as Ocelot flopped onto the couch

Click! Click! Clack! Click!

"Ahh! You fucking cheater!" Wolf yelled as Ocelot pulled a 12 combo move with Jin Kazama decimating his Bryan Fury.

"Legit strategy bitch!" Ocelot yelled as he threw his fist in the air winning the match, "Three times in a row dude!"

"Fuck!" Wolf shouted as he threw his controller on the ground, "Damn you and your "legit strategy" all to Hell. You fucking cheated asshole,"

Wolf pulled on his new leather jacket and made for the door, "I'll be back!"

Ka-Chink

Slam!

"Baby..." Ocelot took another hit from the bong before going into a coughing fit again.

/Outside/

Wolf stomped through the drizzly streets trying to blow off steam.

"Hey baby looking for a good-"

Bap!

Wolf punched her out still brooding over his losses. "Fucking Cheater!" Wolf yelled as onlookers gasped in horror.

"Yeah man punch that cheatn' bitch out!" yelled a bystander. Wolf looked over at the man who had the gull to speak. "Hahahaha," the fat black man cackled as his fat jiggled like a jelly roll. "YOU!" Wolf yelled as if someone had just screwed him out of a million dollars. The fat man continued to laugh not noticing Wolf had made his way across the street.

Thwack!

Wolf uppercut the fat man so hard he went off his feet, getting some good air time, and crashing into a small set of concrete stairs.

"I guess pigs do fly! Wolf yelled as he began quoting Duke Nukem. "Come get some!" He yelled as he pulled a rusted stop sign out of the ground.

"Sir put the sign down!" Yelled a cop.

"Hail to the king baby!" He yelled as he swung the sign like a baseball bat at the cops head.

Bong!

The sign sounded like a gong being hit as it bounced off the officers head like a pinball hitting a bumper.

"Confucius say... DIE!" Wolf continued as began stomping on the mans' face.

"Wolf the fuck are you doing?!" Ocelot yelled from across the street as he walked out of the apartment complex.

Wolf was, however, too preoccupied with clubbing innocents to hear him.

"Ahh shit," Ocelot bolted over to Wolf as he chased another fat man eating a cheeseburger, "Dude stop! I gotta tell you something!"

Wolf turned to Ocelot with blood lust in his eyes.

Ocelot threw his arms up in front of his face, "I got us a job!"

Cling-ka-Clang!

"Well why didn't you say so?", Wolf stated all happy, dropping the blood stained stop sign as if nothing had happened, "I'll go get my Vapid Dominator!" He smiled as he stepped over half a dozen people crying.

"Shiiiiiiitt..." Ocelot mumbled as he looked around at all the people on the ground and the small stream of blood running towards the storm drains.

Beep-Beep!

Ocelot looked over to Wolf as he honked the horn in his red Dominator, "Maybe I should drive-" Ocelot said hesitantly as he started toward the door of the car.

"Psh why? What do you think I'm gonna do? Go Postal?", Wolf answered as he let out a laugh.

Ocelot shot him a disturbed look and remained quiet as he let Wolf drive.

/Later in Vinewood Heights/

"This the place?" Wolf asked as he examined the premises. It was a large, upscale, mansion type of place that some soon to be unfortunate prick owned.

Ocelot looked at the directions that were given to him. "What the directions Simeon gave us says... Ok we are to repo a Grotti Stinger GT and a Grotti Cheetah.

Wolf shot up in excitement. "Oh hell yea! Dibs on the Cheetah!"

Ocelot Shrugged as he wanted the Stinger anyways, "Alright let's do this then,"

The troublesome twosome walked up to the mansions front gate, "Damn it's locked!" Ocelot cursed their luck as he looked around for another route.

Beep...Boom!

Ocelot dove for the ground covering his head at the sound of the explosion, "What the Fuck!"

"I love sticky bombs" Wolf stated as if a hooker was blowing him.

Ocelot smacked him upside his head. "Jackass..."

"What? I took care of the gate didn't I?" Wolf bitched like a house wife.

"You fucking blew the gate off its hinges...AND it landed on an old lady might I add!" Ocelot spat as he pointed at the helpless old lady who was getting milk.

"Shouldn't have standing there!" Wolf mocked, as he shrugged his shoulders and began to enter the mansions yard.

Ocelot and Wolf made their way to the target as they eyed up the expensive and erection inducing cars.

"Ahh, I think i came a little," gawked Wolf.

"You're not the only one," Ocelot stated as he began to open the Stinger GT's door.

Wolf ran over to the Cheetah and did a drop kick threw its' driver side window.

Shatter!

Ocelot shook his head as he hotwired the Stinger and sped off before the owner showed up, but Wolf continued to struggle with the hotwiring on the Cheetah, "C'mon you bastard work!"

"Hey!" yelled a pompous sounding voice.

"Ah shit,"

"I called the cops, and they'll be here any second!" the man continued as he walked up to Wolf and continued on.

Wolf sighed as he stepped out the car and shot the man a strange look that the guy could only interpret as, "Your fucked!"

"Now calm down my good sir," began Wolf sounding earnest, "I am simply testing the security system on the car," Wolf pointed to the cars' trunk, "Here let me show you something," Wolf walked him over to trunk, "You got the keys to open the trunk?"

The man reached in his pocket and fidgeted around trying to find his keys, "Yeah," he slowly spoke as he pulled them out and unlocked the trunk for he had no idea what Wolf was getting at.

"Now," Wolf started as he put a hand on the rich mans' shoulder, "all i got do is put you in it, and I'm off."

The man raised an eyebrow in confusion as if he were The Rock. "What!?"

Wolf slammed the guys' face off of one of the taillights knocking him out cold. Feeling satisfied with himself he bent down, lifted the assholes' limp body off the ground, and tossed him into the trunk.

Thunk!

"And im off! That was easy," Wolf slammed the trunk closed and started up the car with the keys.

Vroom!

Wolf let out a sigh. "Ahh thats amazing." he began to head back to Simeons' when he pulled out of the driveway and drove right into a clusterfuck.

"We have you surrounded, surrender now!" yelled an obese, moronic policeman.

"Seriously? You expect me to just give up this nice car?" Wolf slammed on the gas and sped by the police but not before flipping them all off as he laughed, "Think again Numbnuts!"

Vrooom!

"WOO FUCK YEA!" Wolf cheered as he flew past the traffic.

/Back at Simeons' dealership/

"Sir I swear he'll be here soon!" Ocelot tried desperately not to blow him away, the only thing keeping him from doing it was the $4,000 he offered to give each of them.

"What was that?" Simeon bitched.

Ocelot knew that sound all too well. It was the cops chasing someone.

"Go away! I don't have a Krispy Kream gift card!" yelled Wolf as he sped by.

Ocelot gave a terrified look as he sped by.

"Was that you friend?" Simeon asked, sounding certain.

"Pft, what? No! Not that guy, haha. Wolf's more professional than that jackass." Ocelot said looking shifty eyed, "So, uhh, how 'bout that $4000 you promised. I mean here's one car, and when Wolf gets here you can give him his share."

"What? No! Don't be ridiculous! What do you take me for, an idiot?!" Simeon said spitting on Ocelots new shoes.

Ocelot lost his temper and punched Simeon out before searching his wallet for his well deserved money, "$12! You cheap bastard! The money must be in his office,"

Ocelot made his way to the crooked car dealers' office looking around for the money, "Where the hell would he keep it?"

Ocelot looked up at the painting of a sports car. "Naa it couldn't be...could it?" Ocelot walked over to the painting and tore it off the wall, "Jackpot!"

He went through the safe, counting all the money, "Ahh man we shoulda done this sooner!"

Shatter! Crash!

The whole building shook. "What the hell!?" Ocelot exclaimed as he walked towards the sound.

"Woo!" Wolf yelled getting out of the car. He had driven the car into the dealership through the window.

"Subtle," Ocelot shook his head walking up to Wolf. "Here… $21,000."

Wolf got quiet as Ocelot said the take. "I thought it was $4,000," he started as he put his hand out to accept the cash anyways.

"Simeon had a change of heart. So, uhh, let's get outta here before he changes his mind." Ocelot said hurrying Wolf up. "Let's take the Cheetah. You drive."

"But, uhh..." Then it hit him, "We're stealing all this aren't we?"

"How'd you guess?" Ocelot snorted.

"You steal everything. Including underwear," Wolf facepalmed as he started up the Cheetah.

"Soo, nice car Wolf!" Ocelot started trying to change the subject.

"Yeah... It was a steal." he said trying to be humorous.

* * *

**End**


	3. Episode 3

**Warning: The events depicted in this story are dangerous, and should only be done in the game. Both authors insist you obey the law. -Repressed Hero & Sons of Ocelot**

* * *

THWACK!

Thud!

"That's 5 for me, and 2 for you!" Wolf snorted as he swung his baseball bat over his shoulder.

"Yeah? Well I'm just not in the mood for clubbing beach bums today, that's all." Ocelot mumbled

"Blah, blah, blah. My ass hurts," Wolf mocked as he called up a taxi.

Ocelot didn't speak he just flipped him off, and waited for the taxi.

/ A few moments later... /

The taxi slowly veered off the road onto the curb.

Ocelot ripped the taxi driver out of the car, and pistol whipped him. He went to sit in the driver seat when he felt himself get pulled to the ground.

"Fuck you I'm driving!" Wolf yelled as he as struck a rock on hand gesture.

"You coulda just said as much!" He yelled kicking the side of the taxi, denting it.

"Get in, and shut up!" Wolf spoke as he reved the engine.

Ocelot shook his head and got in the seat behind Wolf.

"So I was thinking," Wolf started as he pulled away, running over the cabbie in the process.

"You were thinking? Oh shit that's never good," Ocelot joked as he smacked Wolf in the shoulder.

"I WAS THINKING!" He continued. "That we should hit an armored truck so that we can make some serious money for that nice apartment on the beach,"

"Say wha?! Just the two of us? We'd need help for that!" Ocelot yelled as he couldn't think of anyone who he'd include for the job.

"You let me work out the details, you just...Woo! Look at that piece of ass!" he yelled slamming on the break, while he eyed up an Asian woman on the curb.

Ocelot looked around for the so called piece of ass, as he hunched over the driver seat.

"Hey beautiful! You wanna go on a date?" Wolf yelled.

The Asian girl shot a look over at Wolf. "No thanks, the only date I'm interested in is, is the one were i cap your honkey ass!" She pulled out a Micro SMG, and emptied a whole clip into the taxi.

"Oh shit!" Wolf bolted out of the car, and used it for cover.

"Now look what your penis, got us into!" Ocelot yelled pulling out his SMG

"My bad! At least it's just one girl!" Wolf yelled as he popped up firing his Combat Pistol.

"Scratch that! Her Vagos buddies just arrived!" Wolf yelled not getting a round off.

"Good going you had to say something! If we die I'll kick your ass, even in the afterlife!" Ocelot yelled as he blind fired.

Zwoosh!

BOOM!

"Holy ass crackers! What the hell was that?" Ocelot cried out as he couldn't hear himself speak

TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!

BOOOOM!

"No fucking idea! And I'm not about to lift my head and look!" Wolf retorted as he tried to make himself smaller.

Things got quiet. Too quiet.

"Umm did they stop firing or what?" Ocelot questioned.

"I dunno I'm not about t-" He paused noticing footsteps heading there way.

"What? What is it you gimp?" Ocelot insulted

"Ssshhh!" Wolf hushed as he covered Ocelots mouth.

"Somebody order extra carnage with their hooker?" joked an oddly familiar voice.

Wolf slowly looked up noticing an all too familiar zombie hunting buddy.

"Shilo?! What the hell are you doing here?" Wolf said with damp underwear.

"Oh you know...spreading the love," he turned his head and opened fire on a random pedestrian.

"Hey uhh... do you ever stop wearing that mask, and banana hammock?" Ocelot said with his bulge in his face.

Shilo pulled out a random dildo, and slapped Ocelot with it. "Do you always ask such dumb questions?"

Wolf started laughing at Ocelots dildo print face." Bahahahahahaha! Never ask him those sorta questions,"

Thwack!

Ocelot gave Wolf a straight right punch to the cheek. "Hahaha...Fuck you."

"So you two butt buddies done, or you going to tell me what's up?" Shilo spat as he raised his right arm not looking firing into a few more innocents.

"Jesus you're unstable..." Ocelot mumbled trying not to invoke more dildo slapping.

"What?!" Shilo grinned under his Sweet Tooth mask, sounding deranged.

"I uhh...said you want to get some Burger Shot with us?" Ocelot cringed as he braced for a slap.

"I'd love some, thanks for offering," Shilo spoke as if he was somewhat normal.

Wolf continued to laugh at Ocelot, as they loaded up into the taxi.

"Shut up Wolf..."Ocelot grumbled

_/ Later at Burger Shot... /_

"Uhh yeah... I'd like a double cheeseburger, NO tomatoes. Last time I came here they put tomatoes on it, so yeah, no tomatoes." Shilo ordered as the fat dim witted manager gawked at his bulge. "Hey you hear me, my eyes are up here bitch!" Shilo squinted at her name tag," Alison! You get that?"

"Anything else?" She asked.

"Nope,"

Ocelot and Wolf watched at their table as Shilo ordered, shockingly, without killing anyone.

"Wow he ordered without incident! I figured he'd of shot her in the head like that one guy on the way here." Ocelot stated as he bit into his cheeseburger.

"Nah he shot that guy because he had a peanut butter, and jelly sandwich. He gets pissed when people are eating one and he's not." Wolf said eating his fries.

"I gotta ask how did you meet him, and not get killed?" Ocelot asked completely stumped.

"Well it all started back when I first came to San Andreas..." Wolf started but was cut off by Shilo.

"Hell yeah this is going to be awesome! This place is going to need a Sham-wow when I'm done. They'll be saying Sham-Damn every time!" He exclaimed slamming his tray down while slurping his drink down.

Ocelot shot him a hesitant look before continuing his lunch.

"So how's your dude ranch?" Wolf pondered as he looked over at Shilo.

"Wait, what? You have a ranch?!" Ocelot said choking on fries.

"Oh yea, it's going good. You remember Crusty Carl, Wolf?" Shilo belched.

"Yea...it's kinda hard to forget his ugly mug." Wolf cringed as he remembered.

"Wait...Crusty Carl? I thought you said a Ranch?" Ocelot said shooting Shilo an odd look.

"Ocelot, Shilo runs a whore house full of guys..." Wolf started explaining as Ocelots' jaw dropped. He was speechless.

"AGH DAMMIT!" Shilo yelled suddenly slamming his fist down on the tray and flinging his drink across the room.

"What's up bro?" Wolf stopped.

"THEY PUT TOMATOES IN MY BURGER!" Shilo roared as he stormed over to the counter, pulling out a pistol.

"Oh shit..." Ocelot and Wolf said in unison.

"WHERE IS THAT BASTARD WHO MADE MY SANDWHICH?!" Shilo screamed as he waved his pistol wildly at the scared crew.

"YOU! IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT?!" Shilo pointed at some random worker as he grabbed them by the head and slammed there head on a table.

"Oh god no I didn't do it i swear!" The worker cried begging for his life.

"LIES! ALL LIES! FUCK YOU MISTER BEAR!" the homicidal maniac reached over and grabbed a kitchen knife, and repeatedly stabbed him with it.

"Shilo! Calm down!" Wolf yelled as blood sprayed everywhere.

"I'M NOT DONE YET! WHERE'S THAT FAT BITCH!?" Shilo demanded.

"THERE YOU ARE!" He reached for her hair and dragged her over to a deep fryer as she started staring at his bulge again. "I'M UP HERE ASSHOLE!" Shilo screamed jerking her head so they were face to face, "I said… NO FUCKING TOMATOES, DAMMIT!" Shilo let out a howl like a werewolf as he dunked her head into the boiling oil.

Ocelot began to throw up and Wolf couldn't pry his eyes from the spectacle.

Shilo began to sing, as he continued to deep fry her. "SCREAM FOR MY ICE CREAM! WOLF START SINGING OR YOUR NEXT!" he pointed his pistol at Wolf.

"Uhh err...tell me all your dirty dreams," Wolf stuttered as he looked at the pistol.

"THERE YOU GO!" Shilo pulled her out and took a bite out of her face. "MMMM! BEEFY!"

Ocelot fainted as blood poured down Shilo's cheek.

"Uhh Shilo...could you maybe," Wolf started but Shilo cut him off.

"Hold that thought!" he smirked as he dropped the deep fried body, and walked over to the register.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Shilo fired into the register causing the drawer to open.

"Here! We get a refund!" Shilo said, his eyes gleaning like a madman, as he tossed some of the money at Wolf. "Now, go get sleeping beauty! We're going places!" Shilo demanded firing a few rounds into the ceiling.

"Where are we going?" Wolf asked as he grabbed an unconscious Ocelot.

"To my place! Duh, where else?" Shilo said as he began knocking over garbage cans and throwing chairs through the windows.

"What? Why?" Wolf asked as he slowly walked towards the door with Ocelot slung over his shoulder.

"We are going to do some arms running, like back in the old days!" Shilo laughed as he gunned down everyone in the restaurant.

"That might be a problem, your uhh escapades attracted the cops apparently," Wolf stated as he looked at all the cops.

Shilo just let out a howl

"Oh god..." Wolf mumbled

Shilo ran out the doors guns blazing." I got STD's more dangerous than you lot!"

Wolf snuck out the backdoor while Shilo acted like a kid on Christmas morning, gunning down every policeman in sight, "This is just a warmup, right? C'mon this is like one of those tutorial levels,"

"We need more backup," yelled one of the idiots, "Oh dear God help us! He's got a bomb!"

"God can't help you now!

Vroom!  
SCREECH!

Wolf slammed on the gas pedal, speeding towards Shilo's hideout in Blaine County in his borrowed taxi cab.

BOOOOM!

"I'm SO glad he's on my side," Wolf thought silently as he noticed an explosion in his rearview mirror.

"Ugh, what happened?" Ocelot groaned as he slowly sat up in the taxi.

"Jesus!" Wolf swerved in surprise. He had forgotten about Ocelot being in the back seat.

Thunk!

Ocelot slammed his head off the side window getting knocked out again.

"Oh shit…my bad," Wolf mumbled as he continued to Shilo's hideout trying not to laugh too much.

_/ Somewhere in Blaine County… /_

"God my head hurts,"Ocelot complained as he held some ice to his head.

"Yeah sorry about that," Wolf apologized as he tossed Ocelot another ice pack, hitting him in the head.

"Oww! Damn!" Ocelot yelled as he fell backwards off a table.

"Hahahahaha…haha sorry …haha my bad," Wolf bent his knees laughing.

"Fuck, I hate my life," Ocelot exclaimed as he pulled himself up on the table looking over at Wolf. "This place is surprisingly normal for a guy who walks around in a banana hammock and wears the same mask as a deranged killer clown."

Wolf looked around remembering his first time in Shilos' hideout, "Yeah I was just as surprised as you were,"

"You never did tell me how you two met, ya know?" Ocelot said still hazy.

Wolf thought for a second before responding, "You remember how we fled Liberty City?"

Ocelot shot Wolf an annoyed. "Duh, you moron,"

"Anyway… While you were in Vice City I was having trouble finding work here in LS. I was trying to set up something like what we had in Liberty, but was having trouble. That's when I met Shilo. He was competing with some hillbilly assholes while gun running. I just happened to run into him….literally. And believe it or not he was quite stable back then before he started taking hallucinogens." Wolf finally said as he took a drag of his cigarette.

"Huh, hard to imagine him normal," Ocelot managed to say as he yawned.

"Go Pikachu!" yelled Shilo from a distance.

"What th-"

Crack!

Ocelot fell as a rock painted like a pokeball smacked him in the side of the head.

Wolf laughed at Ocelots multiple head traumas.

_/ Later…. /_

The helicopters rotor blades gave Ocelot a headache worse than a hangover as he lied in the back of the modified Cargo Bob, while Wolf and Shilo flew it.

"Right so you think you can remember that?!" Shilo yelled as he accused Wolf of not listening to his plan.

"Yes for the fiftieth time! We'll land just outside the drop point, you'll pick up the weapons and we leave. That's it!" Wolf yelled as he was irritated by Shilo repeating the plan multiple times.

"BUZZ! WRONG! I never said land!" Shilo laughed as he put on a parachute, and kicked open the door and jumped out.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The flight stick jerked in Wolf's hand as Shilo let go of his flight stick, and left. "Hey Ocelot! Get ready just in case!"

Ocelot whimpered as he sat in a gunner seat armed with an M60.

"Hey can you hear me?!" Shilo yelled over the headset.

"Yeah, and don't be so damn loud man. You're creating feedback on the headsets," Wolf said jerking the headset from his ears.

"Good the drop should be any second! Can you see me?" Shilo waved manically at the helicopter as though he were having a seizure.

Wolf looked around on the ground for Shilo. "Yeah I see you. Ocelot can you see him?"

Ocelot was clutching his head in agony "Yeah….sure,"

"Here it comes!" Shilo yelled into the headset with excitement in his voice.

The helicopter shook violently as an airplane flew by dropping the weapons.

BREEP! BREEP!

The helicopters alarms went off alerting Wolf to the turbulence. "Ahh, damn it! Shut the hell up!" he cursed at the cockpit.

Shilo began to load up the weapons into a truck left there by someone.

"What the hell are you doing?! I thought we were loading them up into the helicopter?!" Wolf yelled down at Shilo.

"We were, but I got tired of that plan!" Shilo cackled as he continued to load up the weapons.

"Then, what the hell're we doing here?" Wolf said pissed.

"Quality time together what else?" he stated as he tossed the last weapon in. "Oh and the other dealers…" he trailed off.

"What!? What other dealers? Are you shitting me?!" Wolf threw a fit.

"Here they come!" He said hot wiring the truck.

"Ocelot! Fire the M60!" Wolf commanded as he repositioned the helicopter.

"Ughh…noooo," he whimpered as his head still hurt.

"Look you ass bandit! Do it or we're some ones sex toy!" Wolf yelled aggravated.

BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DA!

Ocelot sprayed the M60 at the rival runners.

"Go Shilo! Get your shit outta there!" Wolf yelled as he hovered around the drop zone.

Shilo managed to get the truck started and began his track to the hideout.

"Woohoo! Shit just got real!" He yelled as he ramped over an exploding vehicle blown up by Ocelot.

"Stop now!" demanded an all too familiar voice.

"Hell yeah the cops! Now it's a party!" celebrated Shilo as he started ramming Police Cruisers.

"The Hell?! Where did the cops come from?" Wolf demanded to know as he attempted shake off 3 police helicopters.

"Do a barrel Roll!" Ocelot demanded

"What?! Not in this piece of shit!" Wolfed yelled

"Hey! Don't you be calling Betty a piece of shit!" Shilo yelled insulted.

"What, who the hell names a helicopter Betty?!" Wolf countered as he flew under some power cords.

TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!

The helicopter behind the duo began tearing wholes into their helicopter.

"Ocelot hold on tight! Things are gonna get rocky!" Wolf yelled with a twinkle in his eye!

The helicopter swayed back and forth as Wolf flew between a bunch of windmills. The helicopters alert system kept beeping like crazy as they continued through the windy airspace.

"Oh..go..d I'm gonna be sick!" Ocelot grumbled as he held onto the M60.

"Almost through buddy just hang on!" Wolf said trying to be reassuring.

BLEARGH!

"ugh to late…." Ocelot hunched over the M60 closing his eyes.

"SHIT!"

Wolf began to lose control of the helicopter as the windmills were stronger than he had anticipated.

"Come on baby! Im sorry I called you a piece of shit!" Wolf yelled at the helicopter as it began to close in on a bridge, with a train crossing. As if the helicopter had accepted Wolf's apology he gained control of the helicopter and barely dodged the train, "WOOOOOHOOOOO!"

BOOM!

The three police choppers that had been chasing them, however, couldn't handle the turbulence and slammed into the bridge and train; causing the train and all to explode and crumble to the ground.

"Oh shit! That was a close one," Wolf started with a sigh and half laughing, "Ocelot you gonna be alright back there?"

Ocelot just let out a dull moan in reply.

"Ok good enough! Shilo, you there bro?" There was a pause before he responded.

"Yeah I'm here. I lost the cops like five minutes ago!" Shilo began to let out a laugh

Wolf just shook his head not wanting to know how. "We are on our way back, ETA 25 minutes."

The helicopter ride was uneventful the rest of the way

"WOO! Just like the old days!" Shilo yelled firing his gun into the air.

"Ugh! Don't do that!" Ocelot curled up into a ball covering his head.

Wolf and Shilo looked down at Ocelot. "Don't ask he had a rough day."

"Soo…uhhh you wanna stay here for the night like old times?" Shilo asked

"Nah it's ok we can get a cab."

Shilo fell to the floor crying, "Why does everyone leave me?!"

Ocelot began to cry along with Shilo.

Wolf looked up at the night sky, "God what did I do to deserve this?"

* * *

**END**


	4. Christmas Special

**Warning: Killing or maiming Santa Claus is not advised.**

**Quick Note: This chapter has nothing to do with the story so feel free to skip it if you don't want to read our Christmas special – Repressed Hero, Sons of Ocelot**.

* * *

T'was the night before Christmas, not a creature was stirring…..except for 2 assholes in the mall.

Wolf and Ocelot sat in a café in the mall sipping down their coffee as they watched a cop order 2 dozen donuts, and 2 large coffees.

"That'll be $23.95 sir," said the cute brunette behind the counter.

The cop paid for his junk and slowly walked towards the door.

"Hey Ocelot, did we order breakfast to go?" Wolf whispered.

"Uhh no why?" Ocelot said playing along.

"Cause there goes the bacon!" Wolf smirked as he began to laugh.

The cop paused and looked over at the laughing duo.

"Something funny there boy?" the cop glared as if he were looking for a fight.

"No sir. Just making fun of my friend here because he got screwed out of his PS4," Wolf lied.

The cop mumbled something under his breath and trotted away.

Jingle-Jingle

Wolf and Ocelot watched as the cop left their view.

"What an ass…." Ocelot grumbled as he finished his coffee.

"I'm sorry what was that? I wasn't paying attention. I was too focused on that smoking hot cashier," Wolf said as he starred at the brunette.

Ocelot rolled his eyes and threw his empty cup at Wolf, hitting him in the face.

"Real mature you butt monkey," Wolf sighed as he crunched his cup in his hand.

Ocelot shrugged, "You ready to pick up our PS4?"

"Hell yeah! Let's do it!" Wolf said enthusiastically.

They left the café behind as they ventured forth to get their PS4.

/ Two Minutes Later /

"SANTA!" yelled an all too familiar psycho.

The duo looked at the disturbance as they walked by.

"I SAID LET ME SEE SANTA!" yelled the voice again.

"Oh shit, when did Shilo get here?" Ocelot asked as he and Wolf both looked down to avoid making eye contact.

"I dunno! Walk faster!" Wolf said as he doubled his walking speed.

/ In the Santa Clause line….. /

"Sir, please wait in line with your child," Commanded the lady in charge of the line.

"What are you insane?! That's not Santa! That's a zombie! The real Santa was gunned down last year by his damned elves!" Shilo yelled as he pushed himself through the line.

"Sir calm down or I'm going to call security!" demanded the lady.

"Go ahead and call them! I might require backup with this one!" Shilo yelled as he pulled out a Pistol.

The crowd screamed in terror as he aimed at the bearded one, "Oh hohoho! You've been a naughty boy this ye—"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Shilo ran up to the bleeding corpse, and put two more rounds into his head.

"Another crisis averted!" He began but paused as he looked around the mall. A somewhat panicked gasp left his mouth as he slowly came to a sudden realization, "Noooooo! I'm too late! He's turned everyone into zombies! DAMMIT!" Shilo swung his pistol up and fired at everyone within his field of vision.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

The crowd ran for their lives screaming, as the hallucinating zombie hunter blew away an old couple and several hipsters. "O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree! How lovely are thy branches!—"

/ Meanwhile with our duo on the other end of the mall… /

"What do you mean you're out of PS4's!? I preordered 6 months ago!" Ocelot yelled, pointing at the employee.

"I'm sorry sir the most I can do is call you when our next shipment comes in," stated the employee.

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" countered Ocelot extremely pissed off.

Wolf zoned out looking around the store, noticing another employee was moving a new shipment of PS4's to the back room.

"Hey uh, Ocelot…, " Wolf started but was stopped by Ocelot.

"SHUT IT WOLF! LISTEN ASSHOLE! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE I WON'T BE ABLE BE BACK HERE FOR A WHILE!" Ocelot screamed as he began to reach for his pistol.

Wolf grabbed Ocelot's arm, "Ocelot! Relax I got this, go sit down or some shit."

Ocelot ripped his arm away from Wolf and steamed off. "PIECE… OF… MONKEY… SHIT!"

"Sorry about that he's had too much coffee…," Wolf apologized.

Wolf turned to leave the store and chased Ocelot down, "Yo! Wait up!"

"WHAT?! YOU SHOULDA LET ME CAP HIS ASS!" Ocelot bitched as he was red from his anger.

"Listen dumbass! I got an idea to get a PS4 tonight," Wolf snapped.

Ocelot looked over at Wolf in Surprise." I'm listening…."

"While you were busy yelling your head off, I noticed they were bringing a shipment of PS4's,"

"In that case let's go back!" Ocelot exclaimed throwing his arm in the air.

"Uh no… I was thinking more along the lines of steal it," Wolf grinned.

Ocelot hurried him with a hand gesture.

"Basically we break in tonight an' steal it." Wolf stated as if it were that simple.

"Great plan but…HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO GET IN?!" Ocelot scolded Wolf.

"SSHH! You're going to hack the blueprints when we get back," Wolf cringed as he slapped Ocelot upside his head.

"Oh…yeah I could do that." Ocelot finally said calming down.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Ocelot and Wolf dove behind cover.

"Who the hell is shooting?!" Ocelot asked as he loaded his pistol.

Wolf rubbed his temples as it struck him who it was, "Ten bucks says it's Shilo…" he sighed.

"Ah Christ…" Ocelot mumbled.

They ran towards the gunfire hoping Shilo wouldn't shoot them.

"Curing the infected one bullet at a time!" Shilo howled as he shot 2 elves.

CLICK! CLICK!

"SHIT! I need more Zombie repellent!" Shilo cursed as he threw his empty pistol at a rich guy, knocking him out with a sickening SMACK and fracturing his jaw.

"Time to SLEIGH some zombies!" he cheered as he grabbed a sled decoration.

"Shilo! What the fuck!?" Wolf yelled.

"Thank god you're here!" Shilo yelled as he broke the sled over Ocelot's head mistaking him for a zombie.

"OWW FUCK!" Ocelot screamed as he clutched his head, "Dammit not again…"

Shilo ripped Wolf's gun out of his hand and continued to run through the mall "hunting".

"Umm…let's go home and leave him to his devices," Wolf gestured.

Ocelot rubbed his head as they left the mall.

/ Later outside their apartment….. /

"Why the FUCK are we letting Shilo tag along?" Ocelot bitched still feeling the effects of having a sled broken over his skull.

"Because we need his Jeep to store the dollies and PS4's," Wolf lectured.

"Well if he goes postal and kills everyone it's your fault!" Ocelot spat, "Oh wait! HE ALREADY FUCKING DID!"

"Shut up! I got these so he won't be a problem," Wolf reached in his pocket and pulled out a bottle of Xanex.

"And where the fuck did you get th… nevermind." Ocelot rolled his eyes.

Moments later Shilo pulled up.

"YO! LET'S DO IT!" Shilo exclaimed with excitement.

"Here bud take this first…." Wolf offered over the pills. "It's Viagra,"

"WADDYA TAKE ME FOR AN IDIOT! I DON'T NEED THOSE!" Shilo reached for the bottle and downed the whole thing.

"Holy shit…." Wolf and Ocelot said in unison with wide eyes.

"AHH! Let's go!" He stated as he tossed the empty bottle over his shoulder.

Ocelot put both dollies in the trunk as Wolf climbed in the front seat.

/ 15 minutes later near the mall….. /

"How you feeling buddy?" Wolf asked Shilo feeling somewhat concerned.

Shilo looked over at Wolf with calm eyes. "Uh…fine why do you…uh oh. We're being pulled over."

Wolf turned around and looked at the flashing lights, "AHH SHIT PUNCH IT!"

"No I can't do that, that's illegal…" Shilo began to pull over.

"Ah fuck…" the duo mumbled together as the both sunk into their seats.

The cop walked over to Shilo's window, "You know why I pulled you over?"

"Uhh, no Sir." Shilo stated all calm as if nothing were wrong.

"You ran a stop sign back there." The cop said shining his light in Wolf's eyes.

"Oh I did? I'm sorry I didn't see it officer I'm just tired that's all." Shilo yawned.

"Well since its Christmas Eve I'll let you go. Have a nice Christmas fellas!" The cop said as he walked away and started up his cruiser.

"What the fuck?" Ocelot said completely dumbstruck at the event, while Wolf remained speechless with a look that said it all.

"What a nice guy…"Shilo sighed as they watched the cop car pull away down the street. He started up his jeep and continued into the mall's parking lot.

"Ocelot you get the doors open and I'll grab the dollies," Wolf commanded as Ocelot left the jeep still dumbstruck from there run in.

"Alright wait here," Wolf said as he pointed as Shilo.

"Yeah man, sure," he mumbled as he pulled out a joint and began smoking it.

"ARE YOU SMOKING A JOINT YOU FUCKING LEPERCHAUN?! GODDAMMIT! I DON'T NEED YOU FUCKED UP WHEN WE NEED AN ESCAPE!" Wolf bitched like a housewife on her period.

"It was your Idea to give him Xanex, you idiot," stated Ocelot as he shook his head, "now we're—"

"FUCK YOU!" Wolf yelled throwing a dolly at him.

"Wow I'm surprised you're still living with all the head trauma you've suffered," began Shilo seeming concerned.

"Shilo just shutup," replied Ocelot as he finished with the doors, "C'mon let's go it's open!"

The duo ran for the gaming store to grab the score of PS4's

"Jesus look at them all, we're gonna have to make a second trip!" Ocelot cheered like a school girl.

The duo unloaded the first pallet of PS4's and made their way back to the store when…

"HO-HO-HO!" laughed a merry old voice

"Ocelot shut the fuck up back there!"

"Uh, Wolf, that wasn't me…" Ocelot said as he stopped beside Wolf, "Dude what are-" he stopped, noticing a man with a beard and red suit.

"Really," Wolf began, "a security guard in a Santa Claus outfit? How lame!" Wolf insulted the man's outfit using a jerk off hand gesture.

"Uhh dude, I think this one's the real Santa…" Ocelot said star struck.

"Jesus! Ocelot there's no such thing as Santa!" he Smacked Ocelot in the head with his pistol.

"OH HO! But I am the real Santa!" exclaimed the fat one.

"Bullshit, move it or lose it!" Wolf stated as he waved his pistol sideways to get him to move.

"Maybe this will prove I'm real. When you were thirteen years old you wanted a GI Joe command center, but you didn't get one because you were on the naughty list for jacking off into Ocelot's lunchbox. Then you blamed it on the mentally handicapped kids," He said as his fat jiggled.

Wolf grew quiet as he knew the walking jellyroll was right. "YOU WHAT?!" Ocelot roared as he shoved his pistol in Wolfs face, "IMMA FUCKIN KILL YOU!"

"DAMN MAN CHILL!" Wolf yelled as he swatted the gun out of his face.

"So "Santa" what are you doing here?" Wolf said suspiciously.

"I came here to pick up a shipment of PS4's for the good little boys n girls. But 2 naughty boys are trying to make off with them." He said as he reached into his sack with a twinkle in his eye.

"The FUCK you going on about, you emotional cripple?" Wolf insulted.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!" Santa ho-hoed as he pulled out a Tommy Gun, "NOW YOU'RE BOTH GONNA DIE!"

"SHIT!" Ocelot fired his pistol into a display window of a bath and body works store before diving in. "It's like that damn Weird Al song!" he spat over the gunfire, "Good going Wolf, now we're permanently on the naughty list you ass!"

"Yeah yeah fuck you too!" Wolf retorted from behind a brick bench, blind-firing as he flipped Ocelot off.

"YOUR MISTLETOE IS NO MATCH FOR MY TOW MISSILE!" Santa laughed as he pulled a tow missile out and pointed it at Ocelot.

"SAY WHA!?" Ocelot looked up seeing he was below a mistletoe.

SWOOSH!-BOOM!

"HOLY ASS-CRACKERS!"

Wolf jumped up from his cover and tackled Santa as he was reloading and started punching him in the face.

"HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP!" chanted many high pitched voices from Santa's sack.

"The fuck?!" Wolf looked over at the chanting only to see thousands of elves begin to come out the fat man's sack armed with ak-47's and RPG'S.

"How's that even possible?!" Ocelot questioned as he opened fire on the elves.

"I AM SANTA CLAUS!" roared Santa through a bloodied nose and missing teeth as he threw Wolf off of him.

"Ok dude, fuck this! Let's get to Shilo and get the fuck outa here!" Wolf yelled as he scooped up some weapons dropped by Santa's miniature slaves.

The team made a dash for Shilo's jeep both diving into the backseat.

"PUNCH IT!" they both screamed.

"No I kinda like it here…" Shilo said as he took another drag of his joint.

"GODDAMMIT DRIVE!" They both kicked the driver seat as lead rained down around them.

"Jeez ok.." Shilo started the jeep up and slowly began to drive the speed limit.

"Man I never thought I'd miss the old Shilo!" cursed Ocelot as he fired at some elves riding reindeer.

"Yeah no kidding! Oh god he's got his sleigh!" warned Wolf as he fired up at Santa killing Rudolph in the process.

"Rudolph goddammit! Why didn't I leave your crack smoking ass out in the wilderness!" Santa yelled shaking his fist, "I can fix this!" he reached into his sack throwing a ninja star at Rudolph's reigns cutting his dead body loose.

THUNK!

"I smell Venison burgers tonight!" cheered Ocelot as he unloaded a clip into more elves riding deer.

Just then Wolf saw something fly out of the sleigh towards them, "Oh shit, incoming suicide elf bombers! Duck!"

"For Santa!" cried one of the kamikaze elves as he dove for the jeep with candy cane bombs strapped to his chest.

BOOM!

"I always did enjoy a candy cane." Shilo smiled as the elf blew up next to him spattering red and green goop all over the windshield.

"We gotta get that sack outta his hands or this will never end!" Wolf yelled.

"Oh I'm sorry, but I left my santa killing missle at home!" Ocelot said sarcastically as he downed more elves.

"I got a Stinger missile in the trunk," Shilo said completely oblivious to the carnage around him.

"Jesus really!?" Ocelot facepalmed as he reached in the trunk for the military grade surface to air launcher, "Hold us steady!" he commanded Shilo as he took aim.

Beep…Beep….BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

SWOOSH!-BOOM!

"HO-HO-OOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" Santa yelled before his sled hit a building and exploded.

"Whew shit nice shot!" Wolf laughed.

They hi-fived, and were finally able to get home after Shilo got finished mourning the loss of Santa.

/ The next morning….. /

"In a rather sad note, Santa was killed this morning in a fiery explosion," stated the lady on Weasel news. "Children around the world cry as they are left toy less….little shits."

"Huh that sucks," Wolf stated with a bit of sarcasm as he downed his morning coffee, "Up for some PS4?"

"Hell yeah!" Ocelot stated.

* * *

**END**

**Merry Christmas from Repressed Hero, and Sons of Ocelot**


End file.
